This isn’t what I usually write. This is raw, and probably unedited because once I write this, I’m not going to want to read it. But today has sucked. I woke up in the middle of a Meneire’s attack. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, don’t feel bad. Not a lot of people have. But it’s an inner ear something or other that f***ing sucks. The room spins, your stomach flips over and over and over and over and over and — well — you get the picture.
Anyway, this morning I woke up to that. And I said to myself – you’ve got this. You’ve done this before. You’ll be fine. So I tried to be fine. I did everything I know to do to make it better. But nothing worked and by about two, I knew there was no way to follow through with my plans for the night so I called and cancelled and fell completely apart. See, it wasn’t the attack that was the worst part of my day, it was the feeling of being so broken. Like I was simply a stand-in, a placemarker, for the girl I used to be if she ever choose to come back.
On days like this, I try to focus on how grateful I am that the tumor in my head didn’t kill me. It took three surgeries and a lasting case of Meniere’s disease to make sure it didn’t, but I’m alive. And I am TRULY grateful for that. But on days like today, I struggle to feel grateful that I’m a placeholder in my own life. I feel broken and battered. I have trouble seeing what the future can be when, on any given day, I might wind up on the couch watching Chad Michael Murray instead of doing the stuff and the things.
While my son was playing online today, I was watching One Tree Hill. There’s a voiceover from Luke: “Robert Louis Stevenson wrote: ‘You cannot run away from weakness; you must fight it out… or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?'” I can’t outrun or fight against Meniere’s but it still made me feel better. It felt – hopeful. It, at the very least, dried my tears for a bit.
So why did I write this? It’s not about educating y’all on Meniere’s or trying to get readers or getting people to like or feel sorry for me. It’s about being honest with myself. It’s about admitting that I struggle so that the struggle is easier. I have had a shittastic day and I’ve let myself tell myself all these negative things about myself. It was a loss. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t win next time. Next time I can remember the hope from that quote.
Lanie Goodell 